When your vocabulary is limited to only so many words, your communication and conveying of messages becomes limited as well.

Superhero: Sheer Tranny of Will

Bit once, twice shy

If you don't ask, you don't know.

EAU NATURALE

Hello internet,

This past month has been quite hectic juggling school, work, and LIFE.

School has come to an end, with the exception of exams in the next two weeks, yay...

I am looking forward to playing a shitload of guitar, painting, and playing for the next semester, seeing as I have taken the school semester off; to I suppose find myself. haha

My friend Masa and I got together the other night for "studying" and what ended up happening was... nothing related... except I checked out what was to be expected on the exam. so yay!

We got into talks about politics and social issues, which I think would make amazing podcasts, because she and I have amazing deep intellectual conversations.

We also made an interesting lasagna... haha it was tasty but... interesting.

We are also planning on making homemade lipbalms/cheek tint with beet juice. with organic and all natural ingredients. yay!

Two nights ago, I started crunchybetty.com's honey face wash challenge, and I have to say, despite it being the 2nd day I've been doing it, I think I see positive results!

I've had a nice long conversation with the lady at The Big Carrot's beauty department about toothpaste, skin care regimen, and shampoo.

For the next two weeks, I am going to take up Crunchy Betty's face wash challenge, which consists of washing my face with raw honey. It also tastes delicious.

After I rinse, I spritz rose-water, and then moisturize with rosehip seed oil.

So far so good, and it's only day 2!

I have very blemish prone skin, and thus far, I've noticed that my face feels more supple and the rose water and rosehip oil seems to have a nice calming effect on my skin.

I will try and keep this up for at least 2 more weeks, I work better with short term goals, but at the same time, I don't see a problem with this new skincare regimen that I wouldn't be able to adopt it as a longterm thing.

www.crunchybetty.com

has awesome, wicked recipes for skin care, hair care, etc. to do with food!

BREAK UP: DAY 3

And here we are, still maintaining contact with the ex. This time I initiated the contact... of course, because this is what happened the last time. But you know what else ended up happening the last time?
We got back together.
Stupid stupid me.
Need to acquire self discipline, as my friend Dan mentioned a few years ago. He wanted to take up some sort of Japanese style disciplinary sword art... I'm sorry the name escapes me.. Katai..yeah that was out of my ass.
Well anyways, I blame my lack of self control as a personality trait, as I am also very self indulgent when it comes to treating myself with food, and or shopping.
Maybe I just need to grow up, and stop fuelling my inner spoiled brat/princess.

Anyways back to the topic of this post. BREAK UP.

Because I got into habit of thinking about him, oh every 5 seconds, now I am forced to remove the conditioning that I imparted on myself.

Which means what? SELF CONTROL.

I was just deep in thought about how we got back together the last time.
He has a soft spoken, tender, coaxing nature about him, and will ask me small favours such as laying next to him for a few minutes, and BAM, back into the old habit I tried to kick.

Why am I so soft...!?!?

Is that really all it takes for me to forget the logical reasons as to why I no longer wanted to be with him?


---
NOPE.
I caved and visited him today. BUT realized it is only lust.
Those logical reasons for not being with him, still at the forefront of my mind. But I just miss the warmth of his arms and his smell.
I think when I am not with him, the desire is that much stronger which seems to make things more intense in my mind.
So, we didn't even kiss. nothing. I was dying to. and put it out there. But he actually said, are you sure, how do you think you will feel when you leave?
Mmmmm good point.
But he also happened to be sick. So, more reason not to... (frankly I would have done it regardless of the cold...)

So there it is. I refuse to do the friends with benefits option, because I just KNOW it complicates things, so MUST stay strong and resist temptation and all the messy things accompanied with left over feelings.

THE END. hopefully..

Heartache

Question, why do we continue to subject ourselves to the pain and suffering of bad relationships?

How do you know when certain things can be tolerated and others to be breaking points?

Cheating, is a no brainer for most including myself, but what about the little jabs, worth breaking up over?

I have never cried so much over anyone as I have from being in this relationship. I was listening to the song Better Man, by Pearl Jam, and there's a line "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man."

Hmmm, okay, guilty?

Maybe I'm convincing myself of things being better than they are? AKA Denial.

I think sometimes we justify being treated a certain way because we think we cause or deserve them.

We bend the rules for someone and slowly it breaks down our strong sense of self because we've become so lenient for this other person.

Over and over we allow this other person to get away with or forgive them for terrible things.

Which, possibly, over time, causes you to lose your integrity. :(

The only thing I can think of is that you have to have a strong sense of self, to know what you will and will not put up with.

Otherwise you let people walk all over you (lightbulb) AHA that's precisely it.

The thing I am struggling with is letting go of the need to fix/save/rescue this person from themselves.

You desperately want this person to be a glowing perfect individual, but these changes are something that you cannot force them to make. Just like changing yourself, when you identify a flaw within your own character, and work on bettering yourself.

This is something I think I have have a hard time grasping, is the fact that people shouldn't change for you, but for themselves. Or rather.. CAN'T.

I feel extremely emotional, au current, but I'm hoping this will pass. I am relying heavily on moral support from friends and family.

God this is draining. I don't want this to in anyway sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I do feel pretty fucking shitty.

It really does feel like my heart has been beat up.

Someone needs to write a how to get through heartbreak guidebook.

Memory at the CNE

I just remembered something funny that happened a couple years back.. the specific amount of time... obviously escapes me. My family and I were at the CNE, and we came to a little bowling game booth. For some reason, my past experiences of playing these sort of games did not flood back into my mind.
I really do have a terrible memory.
So the objective of the game was unclear to me, I was expecting someone to go over the rules: Roll the ball up as if you were bowling. I guess they assumed everyone who shows up has an obvious idea of how this game worked. Not I. I decided to toss the ball and sink them into the holes... My muscle memory even told me something was a little off. It wasn't until the carni boy came over and informed me that I was to roll the ball, did I stop. I was doing a pretty good job at sinking the balls like a basketball, none the less. It just didn't occur to me that I wasn't doing it wrong. In a way this taught me to think outside of the box. Even if it was a miniscule activity, the lesson of doing tasks outside of convention is an innovative thing.

Looking back I think it's still a little embarrassing and funny, but these are one of the many little life lessons that I think we all come to acquire through experience.
It's a beautiful thing.