And here we are, still maintaining contact with the ex. This time I initiated the contact... of course, because this is what happened the last time. But you know what else ended up happening the last time?
We got back together.
Stupid stupid me.
Need to acquire self discipline, as my friend Dan mentioned a few years ago. He wanted to take up some sort of Japanese style disciplinary sword art... I'm sorry the name escapes me.. Katai..yeah that was out of my ass.
Well anyways, I blame my lack of self control as a personality trait, as I am also very self indulgent when it comes to treating myself with food, and or shopping.
Maybe I just need to grow up, and stop fuelling my inner spoiled brat/princess.
Anyways back to the topic of this post. BREAK UP.
Because I got into habit of thinking about him, oh every 5 seconds, now I am forced to remove the conditioning that I imparted on myself.
Which means what? SELF CONTROL.
I was just deep in thought about how we got back together the last time.
He has a soft spoken, tender, coaxing nature about him, and will ask me small favours such as laying next to him for a few minutes, and BAM, back into the old habit I tried to kick.
Why am I so soft...!?!?
Is that really all it takes for me to forget the logical reasons as to why I no longer wanted to be with him?
---
NOPE.
I caved and visited him today. BUT realized it is only lust.
Those logical reasons for not being with him, still at the forefront of my mind. But I just miss the warmth of his arms and his smell.
I think when I am not with him, the desire is that much stronger which seems to make things more intense in my mind.
So, we didn't even kiss. nothing. I was dying to. and put it out there. But he actually said, are you sure, how do you think you will feel when you leave?
Mmmmm good point.
But he also happened to be sick. So, more reason not to... (frankly I would have done it regardless of the cold...)
So there it is. I refuse to do the friends with benefits option, because I just KNOW it complicates things, so MUST stay strong and resist temptation and all the messy things accompanied with left over feelings.
THE END. hopefully..
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Heartache
Question, why do we continue to subject ourselves to the pain and suffering of bad relationships?
How do you know when certain things can be tolerated and others to be breaking points?
Cheating, is a no brainer for most including myself, but what about the little jabs, worth breaking up over?
I have never cried so much over anyone as I have from being in this relationship. I was listening to the song Better Man, by Pearl Jam, and there's a line "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man."
Hmmm, okay, guilty?
Maybe I'm convincing myself of things being better than they are? AKA Denial.
I think sometimes we justify being treated a certain way because we think we cause or deserve them.
We bend the rules for someone and slowly it breaks down our strong sense of self because we've become so lenient for this other person.
Over and over we allow this other person to get away with or forgive them for terrible things.
Which, possibly, over time, causes you to lose your integrity. :(
The only thing I can think of is that you have to have a strong sense of self, to know what you will and will not put up with.
Otherwise you let people walk all over you (lightbulb) AHA that's precisely it.
The thing I am struggling with is letting go of the need to fix/save/rescue this person from themselves.
You desperately want this person to be a glowing perfect individual, but these changes are something that you cannot force them to make. Just like changing yourself, when you identify a flaw within your own character, and work on bettering yourself.
This is something I think I have have a hard time grasping, is the fact that people shouldn't change for you, but for themselves. Or rather.. CAN'T.
I feel extremely emotional, au current, but I'm hoping this will pass. I am relying heavily on moral support from friends and family.
God this is draining. I don't want this to in anyway sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I do feel pretty fucking shitty.
It really does feel like my heart has been beat up.
Someone needs to write a how to get through heartbreak guidebook.
How do you know when certain things can be tolerated and others to be breaking points?
Cheating, is a no brainer for most including myself, but what about the little jabs, worth breaking up over?
I have never cried so much over anyone as I have from being in this relationship. I was listening to the song Better Man, by Pearl Jam, and there's a line "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man."
Hmmm, okay, guilty?
Maybe I'm convincing myself of things being better than they are? AKA Denial.
I think sometimes we justify being treated a certain way because we think we cause or deserve them.
We bend the rules for someone and slowly it breaks down our strong sense of self because we've become so lenient for this other person.
Over and over we allow this other person to get away with or forgive them for terrible things.
Which, possibly, over time, causes you to lose your integrity. :(
The only thing I can think of is that you have to have a strong sense of self, to know what you will and will not put up with.
Otherwise you let people walk all over you (lightbulb) AHA that's precisely it.
The thing I am struggling with is letting go of the need to fix/save/rescue this person from themselves.
You desperately want this person to be a glowing perfect individual, but these changes are something that you cannot force them to make. Just like changing yourself, when you identify a flaw within your own character, and work on bettering yourself.
This is something I think I have have a hard time grasping, is the fact that people shouldn't change for you, but for themselves. Or rather.. CAN'T.
I feel extremely emotional, au current, but I'm hoping this will pass. I am relying heavily on moral support from friends and family.
God this is draining. I don't want this to in anyway sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I do feel pretty fucking shitty.
It really does feel like my heart has been beat up.
Someone needs to write a how to get through heartbreak guidebook.
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