And here we are, still maintaining contact with the ex. This time I initiated the contact... of course, because this is what happened the last time. But you know what else ended up happening the last time?
We got back together.
Stupid stupid me.
Need to acquire self discipline, as my friend Dan mentioned a few years ago. He wanted to take up some sort of Japanese style disciplinary sword art... I'm sorry the name escapes me.. Katai..yeah that was out of my ass.
Well anyways, I blame my lack of self control as a personality trait, as I am also very self indulgent when it comes to treating myself with food, and or shopping.
Maybe I just need to grow up, and stop fuelling my inner spoiled brat/princess.
Anyways back to the topic of this post. BREAK UP.
Because I got into habit of thinking about him, oh every 5 seconds, now I am forced to remove the conditioning that I imparted on myself.
Which means what? SELF CONTROL.
I was just deep in thought about how we got back together the last time.
He has a soft spoken, tender, coaxing nature about him, and will ask me small favours such as laying next to him for a few minutes, and BAM, back into the old habit I tried to kick.
Why am I so soft...!?!?
Is that really all it takes for me to forget the logical reasons as to why I no longer wanted to be with him?
---
NOPE.
I caved and visited him today. BUT realized it is only lust.
Those logical reasons for not being with him, still at the forefront of my mind. But I just miss the warmth of his arms and his smell.
I think when I am not with him, the desire is that much stronger which seems to make things more intense in my mind.
So, we didn't even kiss. nothing. I was dying to. and put it out there. But he actually said, are you sure, how do you think you will feel when you leave?
Mmmmm good point.
But he also happened to be sick. So, more reason not to... (frankly I would have done it regardless of the cold...)
So there it is. I refuse to do the friends with benefits option, because I just KNOW it complicates things, so MUST stay strong and resist temptation and all the messy things accompanied with left over feelings.
THE END. hopefully..
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Heartache
Question, why do we continue to subject ourselves to the pain and suffering of bad relationships?
How do you know when certain things can be tolerated and others to be breaking points?
Cheating, is a no brainer for most including myself, but what about the little jabs, worth breaking up over?
I have never cried so much over anyone as I have from being in this relationship. I was listening to the song Better Man, by Pearl Jam, and there's a line "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man."
Hmmm, okay, guilty?
Maybe I'm convincing myself of things being better than they are? AKA Denial.
I think sometimes we justify being treated a certain way because we think we cause or deserve them.
We bend the rules for someone and slowly it breaks down our strong sense of self because we've become so lenient for this other person.
Over and over we allow this other person to get away with or forgive them for terrible things.
Which, possibly, over time, causes you to lose your integrity. :(
The only thing I can think of is that you have to have a strong sense of self, to know what you will and will not put up with.
Otherwise you let people walk all over you (lightbulb) AHA that's precisely it.
The thing I am struggling with is letting go of the need to fix/save/rescue this person from themselves.
You desperately want this person to be a glowing perfect individual, but these changes are something that you cannot force them to make. Just like changing yourself, when you identify a flaw within your own character, and work on bettering yourself.
This is something I think I have have a hard time grasping, is the fact that people shouldn't change for you, but for themselves. Or rather.. CAN'T.
I feel extremely emotional, au current, but I'm hoping this will pass. I am relying heavily on moral support from friends and family.
God this is draining. I don't want this to in anyway sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I do feel pretty fucking shitty.
It really does feel like my heart has been beat up.
Someone needs to write a how to get through heartbreak guidebook.
How do you know when certain things can be tolerated and others to be breaking points?
Cheating, is a no brainer for most including myself, but what about the little jabs, worth breaking up over?
I have never cried so much over anyone as I have from being in this relationship. I was listening to the song Better Man, by Pearl Jam, and there's a line "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man."
Hmmm, okay, guilty?
Maybe I'm convincing myself of things being better than they are? AKA Denial.
I think sometimes we justify being treated a certain way because we think we cause or deserve them.
We bend the rules for someone and slowly it breaks down our strong sense of self because we've become so lenient for this other person.
Over and over we allow this other person to get away with or forgive them for terrible things.
Which, possibly, over time, causes you to lose your integrity. :(
The only thing I can think of is that you have to have a strong sense of self, to know what you will and will not put up with.
Otherwise you let people walk all over you (lightbulb) AHA that's precisely it.
The thing I am struggling with is letting go of the need to fix/save/rescue this person from themselves.
You desperately want this person to be a glowing perfect individual, but these changes are something that you cannot force them to make. Just like changing yourself, when you identify a flaw within your own character, and work on bettering yourself.
This is something I think I have have a hard time grasping, is the fact that people shouldn't change for you, but for themselves. Or rather.. CAN'T.
I feel extremely emotional, au current, but I'm hoping this will pass. I am relying heavily on moral support from friends and family.
God this is draining. I don't want this to in anyway sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I do feel pretty fucking shitty.
It really does feel like my heart has been beat up.
Someone needs to write a how to get through heartbreak guidebook.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Memory at the CNE
I just remembered something funny that happened a couple years back.. the specific amount of time... obviously escapes me. My family and I were at the CNE, and we came to a little bowling game booth. For some reason, my past experiences of playing these sort of games did not flood back into my mind.
I really do have a terrible memory.
So the objective of the game was unclear to me, I was expecting someone to go over the rules: Roll the ball up as if you were bowling. I guess they assumed everyone who shows up has an obvious idea of how this game worked. Not I. I decided to toss the ball and sink them into the holes... My muscle memory even told me something was a little off. It wasn't until the carni boy came over and informed me that I was to roll the ball, did I stop. I was doing a pretty good job at sinking the balls like a basketball, none the less. It just didn't occur to me that I wasn't doing it wrong. In a way this taught me to think outside of the box. Even if it was a miniscule activity, the lesson of doing tasks outside of convention is an innovative thing.
Looking back I think it's still a little embarrassing and funny, but these are one of the many little life lessons that I think we all come to acquire through experience.
It's a beautiful thing.
I really do have a terrible memory.
So the objective of the game was unclear to me, I was expecting someone to go over the rules: Roll the ball up as if you were bowling. I guess they assumed everyone who shows up has an obvious idea of how this game worked. Not I. I decided to toss the ball and sink them into the holes... My muscle memory even told me something was a little off. It wasn't until the carni boy came over and informed me that I was to roll the ball, did I stop. I was doing a pretty good job at sinking the balls like a basketball, none the less. It just didn't occur to me that I wasn't doing it wrong. In a way this taught me to think outside of the box. Even if it was a miniscule activity, the lesson of doing tasks outside of convention is an innovative thing.
Looking back I think it's still a little embarrassing and funny, but these are one of the many little life lessons that I think we all come to acquire through experience.
It's a beautiful thing.
Monday, September 21, 2009
What is this shit?!
I am an avid music listener. As are most people. What I don't get is the crap that flows through the airwaves and into me ears! While I do appreciate songs that can induce a good time, I can't seem to grasp the popularity of some of this crap.
I'm relatively open to music, but I am able to tell within mere seconds of hearing a song whether or not I like it. This is the usual case.
Drake's hit song Best I ever had, took some time to grow on me. And as of now, I still continue to drift in the area of uncertainty when it comes to liking this song. I hear it everywhere, so I just end up sitting through it. In the end, I really do not think this tune is something of earth shattering proportions.
When I listen to hiphop I tend to be more drawn to a more complex array of beats and sounds behind the vocals. Some of these artists, in my opinion are just not delivering. :(
A song that seemed to have hit the spot most recently is Jiggaaa's "Empire State of Mind." Jay seems to have no problem shelling out anthems that make audiences jam along as though they're a part of the magic. Throw back to Izzo! They don't call him one of the greats for nothing.
I'm relatively open to music, but I am able to tell within mere seconds of hearing a song whether or not I like it. This is the usual case.
Drake's hit song Best I ever had, took some time to grow on me. And as of now, I still continue to drift in the area of uncertainty when it comes to liking this song. I hear it everywhere, so I just end up sitting through it. In the end, I really do not think this tune is something of earth shattering proportions.
When I listen to hiphop I tend to be more drawn to a more complex array of beats and sounds behind the vocals. Some of these artists, in my opinion are just not delivering. :(
A song that seemed to have hit the spot most recently is Jiggaaa's "Empire State of Mind." Jay seems to have no problem shelling out anthems that make audiences jam along as though they're a part of the magic. Throw back to Izzo! They don't call him one of the greats for nothing.
Revival
So I haven't blogged for quite some time now. And this will be about stuff not related to the former Writer's Craft course. Where should I begin.
The school year has rolled around, and this year feels quite different I'd say. There seems to be an awakening that happens internally during this time. It's almost like a school bell that rings and tells us to get back in line with everything. Do you know what I mean?
We all revert to the pre-summer "us." The one that's serious about getting stuff done and carefully guards each passing day.
Last Friday I had an interview with a coop placement that I had all my marbles set on (which I ended up getting! wootwoot). It just proves if you genuinely want something enough, things work out. I've had opportunities in the past that I thought I wanted, but in my gut, you kind of know you: a) Don't really want it that bad, b) maybe aren't ready for it. Like they say, sometimes you just know.
After my interview I decided to wander around the downtown core of the city that I was beginning to become bored of. So much for that!
I was in the unfamiliar territory of Front St. which is essentially the St. Lawrence Market. Equipped with a very superficial understanding of directions, I decided to embark on a little adventure to finding the AGO. I had the whole day to myself, so I thought what better way to spend it than to soak up on some inspiration.
As I trekked past landmarks that I recognized, I felt empowered and a sense of independence. Although you may not consider my little adventure a big deal, to me it was quite an accomplishment.
When I set foot inside the gallery/museum I breathed a sigh of relief. I haven't been to the AGO since I was under Daycare supervision. Since then it underwent the whole Frank Gehry transformation, and I must say, I am beyond impressed. Both by it's architectural presentation and it's housed artworks. The dapperly dressed staff of the gallery are professional yet very approachable.
I spent about 3 hours inside the entire exhibit and did manage to get lost here and there. For only $10, I definitely got more than I paid for. There were a pieces that one would not instantly associate with art, but hey, it's creative expression afterall is it not?
As I perused around the space, I had my pen in hand for which I jotted down notes/names/titles of works that I was inspired by. By the time I was finished, I had a nice booklet of post-it notes for reference later.
Seeing such a variety of craftsmanship and skills expressed by a range of artists, did not seize to amaze me and continue to stir my curiousity. As shown in the more classical works of art such as from Peter Paul Rubens, the seemingly miniscule additions of white to the painting give it a new life, as opposed to leaving it dimensionless.
I love seeing the application of techiniques that masters of their craft (Mstrkrft-lol) can dispense like it's no sweat. Truly, years of practice goes into perfecting their skills.
I am on a sort of inspiration high as of the most recent days, but my only concern is that it will only last temporarily. I seem to work in phases, so I need a boost every now and then. Kind of like in video games. I wonder if other people are like me. Maybe I'm stuck on temporary thrills as I continue to find my "true calling."
As of this moment, I am still living off of the power up from the weekend's events.
The school year has rolled around, and this year feels quite different I'd say. There seems to be an awakening that happens internally during this time. It's almost like a school bell that rings and tells us to get back in line with everything. Do you know what I mean?
We all revert to the pre-summer "us." The one that's serious about getting stuff done and carefully guards each passing day.
Last Friday I had an interview with a coop placement that I had all my marbles set on (which I ended up getting! wootwoot). It just proves if you genuinely want something enough, things work out. I've had opportunities in the past that I thought I wanted, but in my gut, you kind of know you: a) Don't really want it that bad, b) maybe aren't ready for it. Like they say, sometimes you just know.
After my interview I decided to wander around the downtown core of the city that I was beginning to become bored of. So much for that!
I was in the unfamiliar territory of Front St. which is essentially the St. Lawrence Market. Equipped with a very superficial understanding of directions, I decided to embark on a little adventure to finding the AGO. I had the whole day to myself, so I thought what better way to spend it than to soak up on some inspiration.
As I trekked past landmarks that I recognized, I felt empowered and a sense of independence. Although you may not consider my little adventure a big deal, to me it was quite an accomplishment.
When I set foot inside the gallery/museum I breathed a sigh of relief. I haven't been to the AGO since I was under Daycare supervision. Since then it underwent the whole Frank Gehry transformation, and I must say, I am beyond impressed. Both by it's architectural presentation and it's housed artworks. The dapperly dressed staff of the gallery are professional yet very approachable.
I spent about 3 hours inside the entire exhibit and did manage to get lost here and there. For only $10, I definitely got more than I paid for. There were a pieces that one would not instantly associate with art, but hey, it's creative expression afterall is it not?
As I perused around the space, I had my pen in hand for which I jotted down notes/names/titles of works that I was inspired by. By the time I was finished, I had a nice booklet of post-it notes for reference later.
Seeing such a variety of craftsmanship and skills expressed by a range of artists, did not seize to amaze me and continue to stir my curiousity. As shown in the more classical works of art such as from Peter Paul Rubens, the seemingly miniscule additions of white to the painting give it a new life, as opposed to leaving it dimensionless.
I love seeing the application of techiniques that masters of their craft (Mstrkrft-lol) can dispense like it's no sweat. Truly, years of practice goes into perfecting their skills.
I am on a sort of inspiration high as of the most recent days, but my only concern is that it will only last temporarily. I seem to work in phases, so I need a boost every now and then. Kind of like in video games. I wonder if other people are like me. Maybe I'm stuck on temporary thrills as I continue to find my "true calling."
As of this moment, I am still living off of the power up from the weekend's events.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Hills of Bitter Proportions
The much talked about reality-tv drama show "The Hills," which airs every monday night, managed to, yet again, fulfill it's duties as cat-fight fueled entertainment. The show is in it's fifth season now, but the drama continues to be on a climactic escalade. The show is produced by MTV, but of course. The network has produced numerous reality tv shows aimed at teenage girls who have nothing better to do but live vicariously through the stars on the hit programs. The main character of The Hills, is Lauren Conrad. Conrad is an alumni of the reality tv world. Before starring on The Hills, Lauren Conrad was infamously known as LC on Laguna Beach. It is safe to say that Conrad's advances in the fashion and makeup industry be owed to her stints on these reality shows.
As I positioned myself comfortable in preparation of tonight's episode, I couldn't help but wonder how I chose this show over doing homework. It's on repeat every weekend morning, yet I found myself religiously following, every monday night. The opening of the episode gave it's usual recap of the previous, to help viewers pick up where they left off, for a smooth transition to the current episode.
The night's episode revolved around past loves, appropriately titled "I always had a little crush."
Audrina Patridge confesses to her group of girls that she has had a thing for Brody Jenner, which completely stupified her closest LA friends, Lauren and Lo. Lauren had previously dated Brody Jenner, so one would only assume that many questions darted around in her head.
The overall love affair, jealousy, and cheating, that this episode had to offer, retained the show's reputation of being the go to place for catfights and drama. There always seems to be someone stirring the pot in every single episode of The Hills. It wouldn't make sense not to have threats of breakups and cheating accusations, because that is the sole premise of the show.
Needless to say, the show does it's job well. You tune in hoping to be entertained by tensions between cool LA kids, and you do not leave empty handed. The Hills gives one, their weekly fix for unneccessary drama, that we could be lacking in our own lives, thankfully.
Overall, the show does a good job of pulling in viewers to feed off of the character's problems. It seems to turn viewers into loyal minions that are willing to duel in a verbal match between the show's frenemies. Will definitely tune in next week to get my drama fix.
As I positioned myself comfortable in preparation of tonight's episode, I couldn't help but wonder how I chose this show over doing homework. It's on repeat every weekend morning, yet I found myself religiously following, every monday night. The opening of the episode gave it's usual recap of the previous, to help viewers pick up where they left off, for a smooth transition to the current episode.
The night's episode revolved around past loves, appropriately titled "I always had a little crush."
Audrina Patridge confesses to her group of girls that she has had a thing for Brody Jenner, which completely stupified her closest LA friends, Lauren and Lo. Lauren had previously dated Brody Jenner, so one would only assume that many questions darted around in her head.
The overall love affair, jealousy, and cheating, that this episode had to offer, retained the show's reputation of being the go to place for catfights and drama. There always seems to be someone stirring the pot in every single episode of The Hills. It wouldn't make sense not to have threats of breakups and cheating accusations, because that is the sole premise of the show.
Needless to say, the show does it's job well. You tune in hoping to be entertained by tensions between cool LA kids, and you do not leave empty handed. The Hills gives one, their weekly fix for unneccessary drama, that we could be lacking in our own lives, thankfully.
Overall, the show does a good job of pulling in viewers to feed off of the character's problems. It seems to turn viewers into loyal minions that are willing to duel in a verbal match between the show's frenemies. Will definitely tune in next week to get my drama fix.
Coffee With Emily Haines
L: What's your favourite drink from here?
EH: I would have to say... the Chai Vanilla Latte. They make the best ones in the city.
L: Mmmm that sounds good, I think I'll get that too.
L: So how good does it feel to be touring again?
EH: Prettyy stellar, we've had a bit of a long break since the last album, I can feel the excitement from all of our fans.
L: Yeah definitely. By the way, your solo album was what I listened to my entire summer. It was that good of an album.
EH: Aww thank you. That means alot to me, you have no idea. I basically poured my heart out for all to listen to, so I was kind of afraid for what kind of a response it would have.
L: I absolutely was in love with it. Every word had feeling and meaning behind it. I have to say you are one of the best lyricists in my opinion. Do you listen to Death Cab for Cutie?
EH: Yeah! They're actually one of my favourite bands.
L: Ben Gibbard is one of my favourite songwriters. He pens some of the most heartfelt lyrics, it's ridiculous!
EH: I actually met him once, he was a very kind and gentle kind of a guy. What you would expect him to be. A total sweetheart.
L: Mmmm, by the way, this Chai Vanilla Latte, pretttyyyyy amazing, I definitely will be ordering it the next time.
EH: Yea, it's really calming. I love this neighbourhood.
L: I didn't know about it until last week. Leslieville seems like a cool little area. I'll definitely be back.
EH: Glad to hear it :)
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